“I tend to let go my chance to be happy”
Its not the matter of how long you’ve known each other, what matter is, how deep you fall to one another.
I don’t remember exactly how long it has been since I blocked him.
I don’t remember exactly how we ended up our conversation.
But I do remember something, Its very clear and vivid.
What I felt that day.
I woke up very early and prepare to go out.
I had a lot of plans that day, and that plans consist of so much work.
I’d been working on my novel and I was near to my dead line.
I still have a lot of things to do with it.
And some people are waiting for it.
I know that time is not really a great time. On my way to my usual coffee shop I past by a church, and I went inside.
I felt so down and scare for some unknown reason. My heart is pounding so loud but I can’t explain why.
As I was praying, I suddenly realize that tears are streaming down my cheeks. And I was sobbing either.
The kind of sob I never did for so long.
Loud, terrible, heart breaking and full of sorrow.
I just stop when an older woman come to me and tap my shoulder. She ask me something that I never knew it could cross at somebody’s mind if ever they saw me.
She ask if I was pregnant! If she only didn’t caught me at my most weakest moment, I would laugh so hard and said, Oh, how I wish I am! like I always did and say as a joke.
But I said no politely, thanked her and headed out.
In the coffee shop, I order the largest size of hot coffee and look for the farthest corner and started to work.
Time passes by without me knowing, I just realize that my phone is buzzing, my stomach are aching and my fingers are numb.
I streched my back and started to pack my things. Slowly and lazilly I headed out. I have to grab atleast a sandwich before I headed home. So, I went to a friend’s shop and grab some food.
But, on my way back. I saw him there. Sitting, while sipping his coffee.
Startled and shock is not enough to describe what I really felt that day. I have to be sure that it was him! i have to come a little closer. Maybe my eye sight is just playing games on me. I started to walk towards him, but as i was coming closer something unimaginative happens.
My heart is pounding hard against my chest, my hands became sweaty and cold, my knees. It just lost its power to stands strong, something really went wrong as I pass by at him. My world’s stop and it seems like we’re the only people living there. It became fast paces, and everything is blurred. I can’t see anything or anyone except the two of us.
The world is spinning but we’re the only one who’s not moving.
I never felt this feeling before.
I never had this kind of moment.
And never in my wildest dream I’d dream of this happening.
Its so bizarre, so unimaginable, so unpredictable.
For the first time in my life, I fell in love.
Harder than my first love. Deeper than the first one.
I know, falling madly, deeply is not a bad thing. But, why its scares me?
It is the happiest moment of my life, but why its the saddest either?
Why just now?
Why its way too late?
I dreamt before of falling in love and happily ever after.
But that was before, Now I was only dreaming of the reality. The reality of life that was giving me.
The reality of living as me.
But if ever i saw that person again, I know. I could say some few words to myself.
A words like, There he is. The first person who made my heart pounds so hard, and made it broken without him knowing.
Because we meet way too late.
We meet when I know I have to leave.
When the desicion are already made and there’s no way of changing it.
That even the ’till next time’ is impossible to utter.
Because I know to myself that even if, I were giving a second choice to stay, I would always choice my only option.
That is, I opted to go.
I will leave.
It’s the way of mine of letting him go.
Of letting him live in my memory forever.