Happines is a choice ( a cliché)

Being happy is a choice.

Everybody says so.
And I couldn’t agree more.
I choose to be happy. But it never occurs to me how high the price I had to pay.
My life changes, and had a turmoil ever since I choose what makes me happy. What makes me feel I’m really living my life.
I got what I want, but there’s a doubt inside of me if this is what I really need.
Honestly, I’m scared. I’m really scared.
Scared for the decision I made. Scared if I’m doing things right. Scared of what ifs.
What if my life that I try to live so diligently all this time turns upside down?
What if, it makes me crawl back into the deepest part of me, and turn me into my darkest me? What shall I do? A lot of what ifs. A lot of scary scenarios in my head.
I been trying to put up my brave face.
My strong personality.
My zealous heart.
But, the question is; until when? Untill when I could keep this up?
Until when I can stand being a second of a second’s seconds? Until when I can hold and told myself that its okay. Its your choice, so its okay. Until when I can keep my self tongue tied and keep myself shut up?

This, are the never ending story of what ifs. And did I did the right thing or I would just let the things fall out of place. Until I can’t handle those feelings of happiness anymore.

Precious life

How precious life to you is?

How do you feel whenever you heard someone died? Or something?

The people you love, the pet and animals you cared about? The plants you watered? How do you feel when they gone? How old are you when you first lost somebody or somethibg that is too precious to you?

I was ten when I first lost one of the member of the family. It was my eldest neice which is older than me by five years, everybody knows that we gonna lost her someday somehow because she had a hole in her heart. My eldest sister which is her mother lives far from us. So we see them rarely. Although she had that condition, we are lucky enough that she reach fifteen before we lost her. Which mean, she’s strong brave young girl. I could not say that we were closed. Even though we only have five tears age gap.

as far as I know, I should have written this now. But something happened that made me realize that life is too precious for us to waste its just like that.

Life was too precious and limited for us to cut it or thrown it all away, and filled our everyday life of un necessary dramas and negativities that other people throw at us.

We have to be strong. For our own sake, and for the sake of our love one that we already lost too young, old enough, or much older that who knows still dreaming or fighting to have another life. Or a chance to life longer than what they’ve reach so those time.

It such a waste that we were not living our life and enjoy every second of it.

That some of us are living for just the sake of being alive.

 

Twist, Turn, Roll.

Hello, how’s everyone? Is everyone having their good time?Or do you feel the coldness that bermonths brings. Or it still brought you warm like last summer.This last few months gives me the most unforgettable ride my whole life.I could say that this ride are the most chaotic, scaries, confusing, and so fast.Everything was so fast that I don’t have time to think until I reach some humps and had my good stumble before I landed with my face on the ground.And realize that all the things I never want to do my whole life are exactly what I been doing lately.Got involve into someone even in my dreams I would never ever involve myself with. Kind of someone I been avoiding all my adult existence.Someone, I would never even dare come near if I was in my right mind.But, do I have regrets? The answer is no. Absolutely not.If I haven’t meet this guy, If I haven’t involve myself with him, If I was on my right mind, probably I was still the old me. Probably I’m still the one who only did, think and act all the right thing I know without knowing how does it feels to do the wrong things at once. How does it feel to have someone beside you, comfort you, say the things you wanted to hear or feel.I know, things right now are so fucking complicated. Its so fucking big turn of events but I know someday, somehow everythings is gonna be fine and it will be the greatest time of all.

Journal of my journey

Hey everyone!

Happy wednesday to all of us.

Its been a while since the last time I came here. I have a lot of things i wanted to say and have a lot of things i wanted to write. Just this past few months, I had a very terrific busy schedule.

But first, I wanted to start this with something good, great maybe. I wanted to write something that I really wanted to. Places i had been, Things i have done, and more.

I been planning to do this for so long, but for some unknown reason, i still haven’t done it.

And now, I want to do this.

I want to start something different.

thank you, have a nice day.

Hallo-ween

Everybody has a creepy story,

Everybody knows one or two about magic. Or beyond magic.

But did someone knew someone who know more than a story and a magic?

How about you?

Tell me your story about halloween.

Let me tell you, a few of mine.

Here we are again, another halloween, another dreadful season for someone like me.
For someone whose weird to everyone like me.
Its not a secret to my family or even to my few friends what I am, or what I’m capable of.
Its just that letting every single stranger about me is such one uncomfortable situation for me.
As I don’t want to be the talk to anybody or even the stranger I haven’t meet or haven’t even heard about.
I came from a long bloodline of faith healer, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, those people mostly called as the weird ones.
Those are the people who sometimes used some chants, used some strange stuff or most commonly, used herbal medicines to heal people.
And I come from those bloodline from my mother and from my father sides. As they parents are faith healer themselves.
My mother thought that none of her children would inherit that ‘talent’ but she was wrong.
Because three of her children have that special talent. Which is unbelievable. I know.
My older sister, my brother and me. But at the three of us, only my brother is doing the ‘job’ while me and my sister are just wandering off and keeping what we can do.
My sister is inborn, mine has been develop, while my brother is an open gift.
Probably you’re just wondering if I’m just talking nonsense. Sometimes I think the same way too.
And seriously, its crazy. Specially if you were young and you suppress it or keep it inside.
Because yes, my mother discover about it when I was a six years old girl.
I was playing at the back of our house holding a paper doll that I bought that summer when my mother caught me talking to someone, when she saw that I was alone she warn me not to talk to myself.
But I told her that I am not alone since there was girl sitting across me holding another paper doll.
I remember how exactly she look that day when she ask me, where’s the girl is sitted and what does she look like.
She was paled as paper as I continue telling her what does the girl look like.
Her named was Mara, young as me, she have black hair that tied as pigtail, small eyes, small nose and pink big lips. She’s wearing a fluffy white dress and white shoes.
And it was not a first time we were playing.
My mother ask me then how many times I played with her.
And I said, many times. And she’s not the only one I played with.
Sometimes her friends come with her.
After I told her this, I found myself staring at the old beardy man with almost a silver hair the next morning and my other told him about what I saw.
The man said it was rare, yet dangerous. As my third eyes are already open from the beginning. That maybe something trigger for it to open early.
So, my mom ask him to do what he can to stop me from seeing those things or those kind people.
The old man warned her that it might just temporarily and would re open again when the times come or some unimaginable things happen.
And she said it was fine, maybe that time I am in the right age or maybe it would not come back ever again.
True to that man words, I have a quiet life until I was twelve.
Because of my impulsiveness and stupidity I joined my friends to play the game to called spirit one afternoon at the school compound.
And then it happened again.
As the game about to end, the wind blow so strong into our direction even the windows and door are closed.
The room become colder and chair move loudly. As if someone walk pass on those very fast. My friend warned everyone not to open our eyes or dare to peak. But I was to scared so I did. Thinking that maybe one of us is just fooling around.
And there she is, standing only a few steps away. Staring at us. Particularly in my direction.
As my body went cold, I also lost my voice. My head is pondering loudly as my heartbeat.
It was my scariest day of my elementary life. Before I knew it, my friends standing up from their sit and none of us talking. Or even dare to speak a word. Holding our shaky cold hands we headed to door to go home.
I got a very high fever that night, and a very terrible nightmare for weeks.
And when I got better, I started seeing shadows everywhere. Or sometimes I heared voices laughing or talking by some language I never understand.
But this time, I never told anyone about it. Not even to my mother.
I was thirteen when I starting to see the shadow become a clearer figure of human. And its getting clearing as time goes by.
And I have no choice but to tell my mother about it.
Specially when I have my most scariest time of my life after I saw a floating fire in the middle of the rain one evening, following a lot of voices of people passing our house the next day, that made me run out of the house to where my parents are, barefoot. I was seventeen that time.
That year, my mother got ill and been coming back and port to hospital and the doctor can’t tell what’s wrong with her after the series of test they conducted.
So my brother in law decided to seek for help to some people he knows from his hometown.
December 24, midnight. They were doing the healing process.
That time, the healer decides to make my brother as one of them as its already run in his blood.
And for some miracle my brother also pass it to me, accidentally.
That it made me one of them.
It took weeks before they discover that something is more stranger about me.
A few days before my 18 birthday.
I started speaking an accient language that only the man who open my brother’s gift knows.
And by that time, only my brother spoken. They ask what happened to me, and the man explain that it pass on me, when my brother open his healing gift.
And I am also capable of healing anything, if I wanted to.
But I refused. Not because I don’t want to, but because I want my brother to focused on it.
I want him to nurtured his gift as much as I want to closed my eyes when an unwanted visitor visits me whenever they got the chance. Or they feel like to.
As much as I want to cover my ears so I wont hear they scream of madness.
And its been ten years.
its been ten years that I have been leaving this kind of life that sometimes I am grateful for. And sometime, I just want to curse under my breath.
Honestly, the best way to avoid conflict is befriend the unseen.
Maybe I am just one of the few people that capable of seeing them, but they’re once just like us.
Alive, breathing. Hurting. Or just living their life the way they want or they should.
I don’t need to celebrate halloween every year. As my life is already hallow every day.

And this is my halloween story.
Happy halloween everyone.
Trick or treat.

An open Letter to my long lost, mother

From the girl who always dreams,

Its been years, five years exactly today since we’d lose you. And its five years that i’m only living with the memories we had, moments we secretly shares together.
Its been five years, but it feels like the memories are just yesterday. Fresh, too vivid, and too loud.
I still remember those days of my younger years and i would cried whenever you’re leaving for work.
I still hear your promises of candies and chocolates when you get back home.
I still remember how my little cried over pity things makes you mad, irritated and smiles at the same time.
I still remember how you used to give me things that I thought I never want because I don’t like them.
I remember vividly how you always do that, whenever I had things I desperately like but you refused to give because you know soon I would not want it anymore. Because you knew me more than anyone in this world.
I still remember how I feel I got coned when you ask me to sing and dance infront of you with the promises of sugar candy but it you don’t have money in your pocket when we reach the store when your payment reach its due.
I never have that sugar candy from your payment, instead you brought me red apple since you know how much I love it.
I still remember how we used to fight in the market infront of clothes shop when you bought me dress and I don’t like it. And now, I always wore those woman clothes as a memory of you.
I still remember how you used to make me sleep in your lap while your hands is brushing my hair, and tell me how I smell. When I don’t even go out in the sun.
I still remember how you always rolls your eyes whenever I watch that Harry Potter movies and tell you how handsome he is, and I wish I could marry a wizard. So, I don’t need to ride a car instead used the broom.
I still remember how you patiently listened to all the stories i’ve read but pretends you are bored and sleepy. But the looks in your eyes are fascinated of how I learned those things.
I still remember, how suck your sense of humor is and sometimes thank God that I got mine with Papa.
Which is sometime, I don’t know where all those come from either.
I still remember the looks in your eyes when I discover you’re sick and you hide that from me.
The love and protection are well written there and you refused to tell me about it.
But, you already taught me enough how to read human emotion in their eyes for you to hide that pain.
It was way too late, mother.
And I still remember every second and I could not see you how scared and anxious I was that I might lose you.
I still remember how, eversince that time, I was worried. But you always tried your best to show me the different.
I still remember how broken you were when I had my first heartbreak.
And that look in your eyes, when I choose to leave. Its full of motherly love and anguish.
But, like what you always did. You supported me.
I know that my brothers and sister thinks I was spoiled. By Papa and most of all by you.
Because, You always don’t give me what I like. But what I want.
Without question, or second doubt.
And I thought, I was a good daughter too. I was a good follower to you.
But, I think I failed you, ma. Those love you’ve given me. I think i have’nt give that kind of love.
Because, when we lost you. When you left this world, I can’t let my tears fall. I was so numb. I was so terrified. I was hoping I was just having my nightmare.
I did tried my best to cried like what everybody around me tells me to do. But, I really can’t.
And I wish, i did.
Because every moment that I remember you, tears would fall and I can’t tell anyone about it.
Like how I tell everything to you.
Ma, I follow my heart and stepping my foot to my dreams.
I’m writing now.
To you, and to everyone.
But, unlike what you were expecting me to write or everybody does.
Its different. And if only you were here you were gonna say, why because its not for me, or not what i really know well, but i know. You’re going to support me. Like you always did before.
Because I am your spoiled brat daughter whose rebel my not my second name but I have blood on my veins.
Whom got everything from your character but your sense of humor. (peace). You’re not boring me, You just don’t know how to tell jokes. Really.

I love you ‘Ma… Forever.
Ps. I don’t care how many mother wanna be, papa have. But your always my one and only… And maybe, we have a different reasons why you become my mother, but having you as one is one of a kind and very rare. That’s why I love you more.

Love,
Bunso.

The way I let him go

“I tend to let go my chance to be happy”

Its not the matter of how long you’ve known each other, what matter is, how deep you fall to one another.

I don’t remember exactly how long it has been since I blocked him.

I don’t remember exactly how we ended up our conversation.

But I do remember something, Its very clear and vivid.

What I felt that day.

I woke up very early and prepare to go out.

I had a lot of plans that day, and that plans consist of so much work.

I’d been working on my novel and I was near to my dead line.

I still have a lot of things to do with it.

And some people are waiting for it.

I know that time is not really a great time. On my way to my usual coffee shop I past by a church, and I went inside.

I felt so down and scare for some unknown reason. My heart is pounding so loud but I can’t explain why.

As I was praying, I suddenly realize that tears are streaming down my cheeks. And I was sobbing either.

The kind of sob I never did for so long.

Loud, terrible, heart breaking and full of sorrow.

I just stop when an older woman come to me and tap my shoulder. She ask me something that I never knew it could cross at somebody’s mind if ever they saw me.

She ask if I was pregnant! If she only didn’t caught me at my most weakest moment, I would laugh so hard and said, Oh, how I wish I am! like I always did and say as a joke.

But I said no politely, thanked her and headed out.

In the coffee shop, I order the largest size of hot coffee and look for the farthest corner and started to work.

Time passes by without me knowing, I just realize that my phone is buzzing, my stomach are aching and my fingers are numb.

I streched my back and started to pack my things. Slowly and lazilly I headed out. I have to grab atleast a sandwich before I headed home. So, I went to a friend’s shop and grab some food.

But, on my way back. I saw him there. Sitting, while sipping his coffee.

Startled and shock is not enough to describe what I really felt that day. I have to be sure that it was him! i have to come a little closer. Maybe my eye sight is just playing games on me. I started to walk towards him, but as i was coming closer something unimaginative happens.

My heart is pounding hard against my chest, my hands became sweaty and cold, my knees. It just lost its power to stands strong, something really went wrong as I pass by at him. My world’s stop and it seems like we’re the only people living there. It became fast paces, and everything is blurred. I can’t see anything or anyone except the two of us.

The world is spinning but we’re the only one who’s not moving.

I never felt this feeling before.

I never had this kind of moment.

And never in my wildest dream I’d dream of this happening.

Its so bizarre, so unimaginable, so unpredictable.

For the first time in my life, I fell in love.

So hard.

Harder than my first love. Deeper than the first one.

I know, falling madly, deeply is not a bad thing. But, why its scares me?

It is the happiest moment of my life, but why its the saddest either?

Why just now?

Why its way too late?

I dreamt before of falling in love and happily ever after.

But that was before, Now I was only dreaming of the reality. The reality of life that was giving me.

The reality of living as me.

But if ever i saw that person again, I know. I could say some few words to myself.

A words like, There he is. The first person who made my heart pounds so hard, and made it broken without him knowing.

Because we meet way too late.

We meet when I know I have to leave.

When the desicion are already made and there’s no way of changing it.

That even the ’till next time’ is impossible to utter.

Because I know to myself that even if, I were giving a second choice to stay, I would always choice my only option.

That is, I opted to go.

I will leave.

It’s the way of mine of letting him go.

Of letting him live in my memory forever.